


Third Date Rituals or A Vague Sense Of Dread

by disloyalorderoftrash



Category: My Chemical Romance, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Welcome to Night Vale Setting, M/M, italy is not real, tw mild surrealism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 15:52:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10880049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disloyalorderoftrash/pseuds/disloyalorderoftrash
Summary: a Welcome To Night Vale episode in which Gerard is the narrator and talks about a date (the third date) with Frank and a series of strange events they encountered





	Third Date Rituals or A Vague Sense Of Dread

**Author's Note:**

> I paused the work on my own book for a day to write this. Actually I thought I would never use this account again (it's a miracle I remembered the password), but I've been listening to WTNV a lot and some things just need to be done. You know? Some things want to be written.  
> Please don't ask me "what the fuck does any of this mean"... look within yourself to find the answer or visit the nearest tarot reader.  
> Thanks for reading. Extra thanks if you like and/or comment. And hey: I love you!

[GERARD WAY _speaking_ ]  
The way to a man's heart is hard to find. This is because the course of true love will always eventually lead to Rome.  
Welcome to Night Vale.

[ _intro music_ ]

Today I'm here to talk about love. Something very exciting happened in my personal life yesterday and I can't wait to talk to you about it, but first, here's the community news.

A red bicycle has been found on the roof of the library. Nobody knows how it got all the way up there, and nobody knows how it manages to stay there since the roof is sloped. It just hovers there, seemingly defying gravity. If that sounds like your bicycle, please retrieve it, since no one knows how to get onto the roof to remove it either and it does disturb the aesthetic of the library building somewhat.

Now let's get to my exciting news. Yesterday evening, I had my third date with Frank, hopefully my soon-to-be boyfriend. As we all know, on the third date, the universe decides if two people are supposed to stay together or not. And it will show you the truth, whether you want to see it or not. If the third date works out well, the ritual is completed and you are destined for each other, but if it doesn't... well, let's not talk about that. So naturally, Frank and I were both nervous. After all, dating isn't something to be taken lightly!

To appease the universe in the hopes that it would look upon our union with a benevolent all-seeing eye, we followed the traditional dating etiquette exactly as it has been done for centuries.  
You know the drill, listeners. On the first date, you give your partner a jar of dirt taken from the graveyard where your late great-grandmother is buried. On the second date, the recommended gift is a 20 Dollar Hot Topic gift card. And on the third date, tradition tells you to present your partner with a glowing stone that has one single example of your forever unfulfilled childhood dreams on it.

[ _thoughtfully_ ] I don't know the point of those conventions, if I'm honest. I suppose it does create a sort of intimacy between two people, which is, of course, essential to romance. But then again, maybe it's just a pointless tradition. I don't know. No one ever questions it.

We both had our glowing stones prepared when I picked him up to go to the restaurant. The stone I gave him is bright red and emits a gentle warmth, but only to the people who are allowed to touch it. The childhood dream stored on it is one of my fondest memories. It was a single moment when I was five and watching a small bird in a tree as it rose up and flew into the reddening night sky. That bird was so free and unbound by any rule imposed upon creatures like us humans. In that moment, I dreamed I was that bird. [thoughtful pause] The dream suddenly ended because another, bigger bird swooped down and swallowed the small bird. [ _sighs_ ]

So I picked Frank up at his door and we walked towards the restaurant, where... what's that? Wait a second.

[ _static_ ]

I'm back, listeners. Intern Ray just asked me about the stone that Frank gave to me as a third-date gift and wanted to know about the childhood dream stored on it. Naturally I told him that this was an inappropriate question, since the third-date gift is a highly personal one. Imagine what a break of trust it would be if I just told all of Night Vale about my date's glowing stone with his secret childhood dreams! No. I'm not going to do that.

So anyway, where was I? We walked to the restaurant. Frank had suggested going to an Italian place and claimed that his family was from Italy, but I admitted that I had never heard of such a country. I didn't explicitly tell him that I believed he had just imagined this country's existence – it couldn't be real if I had never heard of it, could it? - but he must have read the thought off my face. Frank tried to show his native country to me on a map of the world, but every single time he pointed at a place he assumed to be this so-called “Italy”, I could quickly assure him that he was in fact pointing at New York City.

None of the friends and citizens I asked knew a place serving Italian food, probably due to the fact that Italy is not real, so I chose a favorite restaurant of mine instead. Frank was still staring at the map in confusion and just said that he was okay with whatever I wanted.

If you, dear listeners, have ever heard of Italy and are able to account for its existence, you are welcome to call the radio station and/or find the nearest well to scream into. We will be delighted to hear your stories either way.

The restaurant we ended up dining at serves a number of popular dishes, most famously pizza and pasta. We sat down at a table with a single tiny red candle on it. I told Frank that I hoped he was going to enjoy the dinner even if it wasn't Italian, and he said he was sure he would, since the actual food hardly mattered as long as I was there with him. I blushed and the candle on the table melted a bit more quickly than before.

The beginning of the date wasn't very eventful. We ordered our meals and waited for it to arrive. While we waited, we talked about a number of different topics. I won't reproduce this conversation here because there are some things, like a person's opinion on the new park that is being built as we speak, that should simply stay private. I do tell you a lot, dear listeners, but not everything. Some things should stay between the two of us. [ _coughs_ ]

About ten minutes before the waiter would arrive with the meals that we had ordered, Frank told me he needed to visit the toilet. I said “okay” and drank a sip of water. However, when he got up from the table and walked away towards the restrooms, something strange happened.

[ _pause_ ]

In fact, because he is probably more capable of telling this story than me, I have invited Frank over here today. He has been listening silently so far and seems very fascinated with the recording equipment, but now, unfortunately, I have to distract him from that so he can speak for you, dear listeners.

[FRANK IERO _speaks_ ]  
Uh, hey, hello listeners. Thanks for having me, Gerard.

[GERARD, _sounding smitten_ ]  
Of course, any time, my love. Now would you mind telling us about what happened when you got up from our table last night, on our third date?

[FRANK]  
Sure. So, uh, I told you I was going to the restroom because I needed to wash my hands and check my hair in the two-way mirror, but I never made it there. As soon as I was about five feet away from you, I started seeing strange figures in the corner of my eye. At first I thought I was just dehydrated and kept walking, but when I turned to look at them, they didn't disappear. In fact, they materialized more clearly with every step I took. Soon, there was one standing right in front of me. They formed a circle around me and the table I had just left. I turned to you and insecurely asked, “Gerard, are you seeing this too?”, and you nodded, looking equally scared and intrigued. That's a really cute look on you, by the way.

[GERARD]  
Oh, thank you!

[FRANK]  
The figures were dark and hooded and about as tall as an average 6'5” tree. I could sense that they were beings of great power, but they made no sound. They didn't move. They didn't smell of anything at all. I was unable to look at them directly. Whenever I tried, my glance would immediately slide off their forms. They didn't interact with me or their surroundings at all. Except that, in a way, they did interact with me. They didn't speak to me, but the bigger my distance grew from the table at which Gerard was sitting, the stronger I had a certain feeling. At first it was only a vague sense of dread. I took another step and it became a vague sense of more dread. I took another step and suddenly I knew, at the deepest core of my self, why these beings were here. They must have transmitted the knowledge to me in a way that I am unable to comprehend with my puny human brain.

The knowledge was this: They were the universe manifesting itself and disallowing me to move more than 5 feet away from Gerard while on this date – our third date. The date during which the universe decides whether a couple in love is meant to be or not. They had decided that we were meant to be, and they were not going to let us get away from each other until the date was over. I also knew that if I took one step further the wrath of the universe would fall upon me, which, as the figures informed me through means I am unable to comprehend or explain, was not something I wanted.

So I returned to the table and explained to Gerard what I had just realized. It was happy news, actually! The universe had decided that we were allowed to be together.

[GERARD]  
You can probably imagine how delighted I was! To win the universe's approval of our relationship was all I wanted on that evening. I had never imagined my wish would be fulfilled in such a strange way! Of course, there was still the minor problem that they were blocking Frank's way to the toilet... I don't blame them, of course! They only had the best of intentions!

[FRANK]  
Yes, and we managed to solve that too. Gerard went to the toilet with me and waited outside the door so we wouldn't be too distant from each other. It worked well, they didn't appear again.

[GERARD, _giggling_ ]  
I would have joined him in the restroom but he wouldn't allow it.

[FRANK]  
Yes! We're simply not at that level in our relationship yet! Watching each other pee is not a third-date kind of thing, Gerard! I'm sure the universe would agree.

[GERARD]  
[fondly] I'm sure you're right, Frank. I hope we'll get to that level one day.

[FRANK]  
We definitely will. You're not getting rid of me any time soon. The universe has decided.

[ _pause. you technically can't hear that they are staring at each other like lovesick fools, but you do feel those vibes through the radio, even though you are not sure how that is possible._ ]

[GERARD]  
Listeners, I will be back in a moment, but you have to give me a moment to kiss my boyfriend. In the meantime, let me take you to the weather.

[ _a song plays. you don't know it, but you feel like you do. somehow you sing along every single line and know every single chord despite not actually knowing the song at all. then it ends._ ]

[GERARD]  
Now we're done with that, let me tell you about the rest of the evening. Since we had now figured out what the beings were, we could handle the situation. There was another minor difficulty when I attempted to leave Frank's house later at night. We had thought that the date was over, but apparently the universe disagreed. [ _chuckles_ ] They gathered in front of the house and telepathically made me feel a vague sense of dread that only faded when I returned to the house.

[FRANK]  
Yeah, then we realized we had forgotten to complete the ritual. You know, the third-date ritual.

[GERARD]  
Yes, I'm sure all our listeners know. In my opinion, it's kind of annoying, to be honest... it always takes me ages to wash the burnt smell out of all my clothes, but I suppose that's just how it is.

[FRANK]  
I agree. And I'm still trying to find and clean up all of the raven feathers in my house. I even found one in the washing machine! No idea how it got there. But the red paint did get off the floor very easily this time, so I guess that's something.

[GERARD]  
Yeah, absolutely. Count your blessings, I suppose. The ritual is annoying, but it has to be done. You can't just break century-old conventions.

[FRANK]  
You're right. And I do feel closer to you after having shared that experience.

[GERARD]  
Aw, I'm happy about that! After all, the universe did tell us we were meant for each other. Anyway, when the ritual was done, I was able to leave without any troubles. The beings didn't appear. This time, the vague sense of dread was coming from inside myself... at the thought of not seeing Frank for at least twelve hours...

[FRANK]  
Aww! But I'm here now!

[GERARD _sighs enamoredly_ ]  
Yes, you're here now and it's the best feeling ever. Did you know that you're the first person I've dated that the universe approves of? Every third date I've had before didn't end too well.

[FRANK]  
You're my first successful third date too!

[GERARD]  
Seriously?

[FRANK]  
Yes. We're meant to be, Gerard.

[GERARD]  
I feel so blessed... big shout out to the universe for bringing together people, and to all the lovers out there. Being in love is amazing and great. But also to the people who feel lonely and unloveable! You aren't. You're a great person by yourself. The universe loves you and so do I!

Stay tuned next for three hours of that song that reminds you of your high school crush playing on loop as you reflect on the thought that some loves just aren't meant to be and you can absolutely find someone who deserves your affection and loves you back. Unlike your high school crush. I promise! And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Good night.


End file.
